The Riley Factor:
A Need for Cultural Unity
by TJ Riley

Like many Americans, I find myself thinking: What can I do to fight terrorism? I find myself wanting to carry around, at all times, a semi-automatic weapon and blast away at anybody that seems the least bit suspicious. But, I realize this is going too far—I would end up killing all of Massachusetts, and most of the Northeast of America for their traitorous liberal behavior. There is only one other option I can think of that would be suitable, and that all people could do to fight the terrorists—boycott a nation that generally disagrees with our foreign policy. Let’s boycott france!

As all of you know, the french boycott began when we started the process to liberate Iraq and the dirty french were the most vocal in opposing our actions.
Thus, real Americans, such as my hero Bill O’Reilly, started wiping out cultural references of france dealing with food. Now this is important because we all need food to survive, and changing names from french fries to FREEDOM FRIES really does change the aspect of how we see the fries. Freedom fries speaks of fries that you can eat, knowing that you are eating them in freedom; but eating french fries speaks of eating something that is inherently evil and living in sin.
Now, many people already boycott items that are made in france. To me, this is not going far enough. We need more action. For example, I have destroyed my copy of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast because it takes place in france; and I have written to my congressmen about melting down the Statue of Liberty, and sending it back to france in American pennies. Even this is not enough. We need to purge our society of the french menace. We, as a culture in charge of our destiny, must destroy all elements of the french in our society, simply because they show us disrespect.

The first step is to get rid of all french influences in our language, from when those dirty uncircumcised people invaded England in the year 1066. I can hear the liberal, left-wing monster Bolsheviks screaming that this is going way too far – well, I don’t care what you Bolsheviks think or say.

Some of the words that are influenced by the french invaders are words like tax, government, religion, beef, jelly, blue, chair, towel, chess, poet, noun, nice, age, gentle, etc. For English words that have a french influence, all we have to do is get rid of that concept, or at the very most, give it a more Germanic influence. For instance, the word blue could be changed to the word bleen, which would get rid of the french influence; and every time we state this word, we can state in confidence, that we are speaking a language that is not influenced by immoral french people. Take the corrupted word government, we could change it to gavagai; thus when we speak of our most sacred institutions, we can speak in confidence that we are not using anything that was influenced by france. Or take the word religion, we should just change the word to Christianity; because, let’s face the facts, most Americans are Christian. Again, I can hear the liberals whining, and all I can say is: STOP WHINING LIBERAL TRAITOR SCUM!

Some words should just be erased like poet, gentle, and tax. The words poet and gentle should be erased because if men use these words, they may have the tendency to become a homosexual. The word tax should be eliminated so that evil liberals can stop taxing us to pay for things like the evil socialist Bolshevik idea of social security.

The next, and final step, is to rebuild New Orleans, and all of Louisiana, without any cultural reference to france. Let’s erase the history of that area to preserve the dignity of our country.

We would have to give a new name to the state, and new names for the cities of Louisiana. From now on we should call Louisiana, Reaganiana. And New Orleans should be called New Democracy. Reaganiana would a great new place to live in without the french influence it once had. Imagine the city New Democracy, with American people doing American things, without speaking a language that has been degenerated by the uncircumcised french Bolsheviks.

America, we can make this happen! Let’s go to the logical conclusion of boycotting france and just get rid of all of their cultural influence on our culture. Let’s take souvenir miniature Eiffel Towers and break them with an American flag wavering slowly in the background, while chanting “U-S-A.”